I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
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My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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