last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
