I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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