it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
