Taylor Swift is so right about you.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
