new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
im holly from the hills drunk
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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