3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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