somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
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Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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