In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
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He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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