I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
