Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
