So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
