Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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