he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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