just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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