i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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