I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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