if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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