I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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