Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just want nice things and good sex
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
