Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
