Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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