i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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