someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
