pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
