maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I know her cup size but not her name....
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
