I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
