This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
