I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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