Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
