My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
