I smell stomach acid.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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