My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
