why didn't you poke me back
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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