Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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