I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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