I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
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I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
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Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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