Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
