I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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