We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
pop tarts are not kleenex
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
