the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
