Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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