im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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