Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
