Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
