peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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