im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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