A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
