You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
