well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
