we have pet lesbian snakes
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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