I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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