Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
