I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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