Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
