Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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